Use positive phrasing: Rather than saying “Don’t get any answers wrong on the test,” try “Answer lots of questions correctly. Remember all of the things we’ve studied together” Try not to use the words “stop”, “don’t” and “no”. Phrasing things positively will better guide children into doing what you think is best.
Speak calmly, but be present: The most effective pep talks aren’t given by yelling, but rather calm yet strong words. Be present. Make your chat obvious to your child or team and speak to them in words and phrases that keep their attention.
Show validation for various emotions: Let your child know that it is ok to feel the way that they do, so long as it is valid. Try saying, “I know that it is hard to lose sometimes, but it’s important to remember that you did your best and that is all you could do. At some point, everyone wins and everyone loses.” Let them think of how their friends and teammates feel after a victory or defeat as well. The shared sentiments sometimes provide some insight.
Be selective and specific: Target things that your child is doing well. Give them pinpointed encouragement. For example, if your child is playing soccer, instead of saying “You passed the ball well,” try, “Look at Karen’s face. She looks happy that you were a good teammate to her.”
Listen: Don’t just throw words at your kids and expect it all to sink in. Listen to their problems, feedback and aspirations. If they are happy, let them express it. If they are sad, see how you can help their emotions rather than simply projecting your own.
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